April 2020

It has been a long, hard winter. A winter of restriction and of desperation; a winter where I returned to starvation because I thought – yet again – I had found the answer in my own diminishment, where I strove for a painful state of perfect. The winter was concrete grey. Flat. And now, we […]

The Power of Listening

It’s Time to Talk day (or, rather, it’s not, but I shared this on my Facebook yesterday and I write precious little at the moment, so every word needs saving). There’s no point in talking unless someone is there to listen. I’ve talked and talked and talked about mental health – and specifically the bullying […]

Small Changes

At the beginning of this year, I wrote a blog post about how I was going to do things differently in 2019. As I remember it, I was going to take up yoga and stop drinking. I had a vision of becoming a sort of self-possessed highly spiritual being. I forgot that I can’t carry […]

Why it’s time we stopped being so spoilt and listened to ourselves.

It makes me feel more than a little sick when I think that – at the time we were watching important men in expensive suits argue – thirty-nine people were boarding a lorry, hoping to start a new life in the United Kingdom; that – at the time we were fretting about the Irish backstop […]

The Unforgivable Curse

I’ve written about bullying before. I’ve spent thousands of hours thinking about bullying and, in particular, my experience with bullying. Last night, I watched Jesy Nelson’s documentary Odd One Out. I was struck by how profoundly emotional and moving it was; how many home truths it hits. Because it’s true: once someone has been bullied, […]

The (Com)promise

When I started this blog, I promised (if not to anyone who may happen upon the site, to myself), that it would be real. There tends to be a view, made worse by the media, that Anorexia – if not a lifestyle choice where people eat cauliflowers moulded into different carbohydrates and crack vegan eggs […]

Honey from Blossoms

I am going to begin honestly, because honesty is what I have always strived to do on this blog. Honesty – apart from food – is the main weapon in this fight. Things haven’t gone quite so well recently. At the end of term, I was referred back to the Eating Disorder Services. This is […]

Suicide and the importance of waiting

Life changes every day. This is why I cannot and will not ever believe that suicide is the right answer. This is why you have to hold on tight. This is why you have to stay alive. I’m not going to lie: the past few weeks have been tough. A couple of weeks ago, I […]

July 1st

I haven’t got much to say today apart from that it’s four years since I made the choice to start eating again. To sit in the Dining Room on a blistering hot day and to finish the food in front of me. To recover. It wasn’t perfect and it’s not perfect. It’s not always even […]

Happiness

I think I’ve cracked happiness. Well, I mean, I’ve not cracked it in a recipe type way because then I’d be either constantly elated or very rich (or both), but I think I’m a bit closer to understanding one of the basic principles. I think I finally understand where I’ve been going wrong. When you […]