Can’t wait to tell all your friends that you’ve got an obscure yet trendy mental health problem? Been feeling a bit uncomfortable when you notice your sausage isn’t central on your plate? Want to find out if you’ve got OCD? Take the test below to find out!

If you enjoy cleaning, you probably haven’t got OCD.

If you like living in a tidy environment, you probably haven’t got OCD.

If you’ve ever said, ‘I’m a bit OCD about it.’, you definitely haven’t got OCD.

If you stay awake all night counting Cheerios and the laps you’re doing round the kitchen floor, just so that your family will stay safe, you might have OCD.

If your life is so fixed in place by routine, and held there by the belief that changing any tiny part of it will ruin everything, you might have OCD.

If you check, re-check and check again the letter you’ve written just to make sure you’ve not confessed to a murder you didn’t commit and you’re still not completely confident that your judgement is correct, you might have OCD.

If you believe that you have to live your life differently to everybody else because there’s a bad part inside you that you have to hide away, lest anyone should discover the truth, you might have OCD.

If you’ve spent the most part of your life consumed by guilt because nothing is good enough and you’re failing at your task to keep people safe, you might have OCD.

Do you get the idea?

OCD is not cleaning or tidying or liking your notebook to look neat.

OCD will not help your house to appear in the You magazine or Ideal Homes.

OCD does not mean you are annoyed by the pictures on those Buzzfeed tests that say ‘Only people with OCD will be annoyed by these pictures’. People with OCD have much more pressing things to feel annoyed about.

OCD is sitting in a room opposite a therapist and refusing to say the number ‘four’, even though this is the third week you’ve worked on it.

OCD is crippling and life- and soul-destroying and makes normal life impossible.

I’m pretty sure that, if every time I said I was tired, I referred to myself as feeling, ‘A little bit leukaemia’, you would be pretty shocked and appalled. That seems so wrong that typing it was difficult, and I’m not sure if I should leave it here. Let me know what you think.

Please stop using an entirely crippling, horrendous illness to show off your tidiness.

What I am not trying to say here is that people with OCD are a member of an elite club and we don’t want you to be part of it. It’s not special, or interesting and – let me tell you – hands that have no skin left from washing the germs away and hair that you’ve not been able to brush for three weeks because the brush will make your hair greasy aren’t going to make you seem deep and worth dating.

If you knew the truth, you would run a mile.

But probably not in my shoes.


And, if you’re here because you’ve been telling me about your ‘OCD’, please don’t do it again. ‘I like to be organised’ will convey your message better. Thank you.

If you have recognised any of the symptoms of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or you’re struggling, please don’t struggle alone. Life can and will get better and you deserve help and support. Please say something.


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